I am posting while driving... This is what happens when you are in a car for 13 hours straight. :)
At some point we all run into our ex's. That awkward run in that we all dread. I've been thinking about if it's possible to be friends with an ex. I think out of all the guys I've dated I am only friends with one and the rest I don't talk to anymore.
I've been trying to get country music back into my life. I love country and I always have but it makes things worse for me right now. I'm sorry but I don't care if you run into your ex on an airplane after 10 years... they don't magically realize they still love you and drop their life to be with you. You are an exception. That does not happen. Thanks Tim Mcgraw for the upbeat song and all but that's unrealistic.
^obviously integrating country music back into my life has been a task in itself.
So here's my dilemma lately with Mr. Brent.
I've been debating blocking him on facebook because anytime I see that he "liked" something or comments on something I just wanna curl up into a ball. It's like in my head he died and seeing that he's still alive doesn't seem real. It's like someone came up to me and punched me in the stomach as hard as they could. For whatever reason I can't get myself to block him. In it's own way it makes me happy to know he's happy and that he's living his life. I guess I don't really know what's going on in his life based on what he comments... but you get what i'm saying. I want to be friends with him... Not because I really want to be friends but because honestly I miss him. I just want to be apart of his life but that's not healthy. Nothing about that is healthy. So here I am... in this rut...
and I just can't help but feel like he misses me too. I know he hates me. But I feel like he misses me. Maybe that's weird. However, I can't just text him and be like "hey, I was wondering... do you miss me?" that wouldn't go over well.
How do you date other people when you are in love with someone else. you don't.
I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine that doesn't know Brent (which not very many people do and if they do know him they don't know him very well) and he said, just text him. Tell him that you miss him. I have a hard time with that. He knows that I miss him. I'm sure all of his little friends tell him everything that I say on my blog or on facebook and that is 100% fine by me. I just don't want to make him mad. I mean maybe my blogs make him mad and hearing about me makes him mad... but texting him is different. I think what's best is for us to get over it but at the same time if I was going to start getting over it I would have by now. I can't get over something because everyone else wants me to. I will get over it when I am ready.
It's also not something you can put a time limit on. There's no little alarm on my phone three months from now that says "text Brent"... because let's face it. I'm probably not going to be ready three months from now. Even if I was it's just awkward. Things are not the SAME and they aren't going to be and I know that. I want to text him but there's nothing left to say. We have said it all. If there was something to say, something to fix it, something to make us happy then I would have done that by now. There isn't though. It's done and I know it's done and it's sad. It has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned. Don't get me wrong. I am living my life. I am happier and happier every day. I may not necessarily be my HAPPIEST but with each day I find something to smile about. One thing that I don't think many people understand is that we (all of us) are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can handle more than we know. We will get through it. It's a process and each one of us handle things in our own way but we will eventually get through it. We make ourselves or convince ourselves. We grow. We learn. We adapt.
I constantly hear the quote "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle"
It's crazy because we can handle ALOT and God knows that. He tests us and there are times when we want to give up but we don't. That is how we grow. We get pushed down to get back up. To appreciate things more and to become better people.
I guess I've got a lifetime to figure it out. I'm 21. I'm sure in 6 months when i'm blogging about something else all of you can remind me how stuck I was on brent and how annoying my blog posts were.
best advice I have... don't read my blog if you don't want to know what's going on in my head.
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