My blog. My stories. My life.

"because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die". it's saying "I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel". I don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does"


If you are reading my blog to make fun of me or to talk about me. Have some respect and don't read my blog. I am a person too and I have feelings and if you don't like your feelings to be hurt... understand that I don't either.

Mr. Farris

   My Daddy

My dad has been on my mind a lot lately. They recently found out the cause of ALS. Which is awesome because that means they are closer to finding a cure... or at least medicine that can help with pain for those that have ALS. (learn about ALS here) With all of this circling my mind for the last couple of days I had an interesting experience tonight.

I had a guy randomly ask me tonight if I was Mr. Farris' daughter. After I told him I was he started with a story. He said in the second grade every day after school he chopped wood to earn money. He had a life savings of $35 and he kept it in a wallet in his jacket. One day he took his jacket off at the play ground and forgot it. The next day he couldn't find it. A couple of days went by and my dad pulled him into his office and asked him how he was doing. He started crying and told my dad he lost his wallet and his only jacket and his parents were going to be upset. My dad pulled the jacket out and said, "I happened to walk through the play ground and saw the wood chips on the jacket and knew it was yours"...

The guy that told me the story is in his late 30's now and he was crying when he was telling me the last part of the story. He said he honestly believes my dad saved his life. To me it was a jacket with $35 in it, but the way he worded the story I could tell that my dad had this very special place in his heart. I'm not sure why my dad saved his life, but I believe him.

After that I decided that I needed to call it a night.

It's strange how being back in this area brings back so many memories for me. It's bittersweet. Some days I can handle it and some days it's hard. I've lost some great people. Some passed away and some moved on and are in different places in their lives... It makes me thankful for all the great times I've had in my life and all the memories i'll never forget. Life is so short and I know I take that for granted. One thing my dad always taught me was that no one was perfect but we should learn to love them anyways.

6 weeks!

"Pain makes you stronger, tears makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser...so thank the past for a better future"

I have hit the 6 week mark of me and Brent. You know how some people hate a certain day of the week. For example. wednesdays, because it's "hump day". Well I can't say I look forward to Tuesdays. Every Tuesday means another week without talking to him. Here we are....6 weeks later. That is just crazy talk. I think I have accepted everything. I'm not okay with it but I have accepted it and am now in the process of moving on. In the last 6 weeks I have made new friends and each day I realize more and more how much I needed them. The future holds something very special and I can't wait to find out what it is. :) Until then I'm just gonna SMILE. :)

(I'm sorry but this picture should make anyone smile, haha) 

The single life has been interesting. I don't feel single, so I don't act single. I don't like being asked for my number, its awkward. Flattering sometimes, but awkward. I don't like any sort of compliments. If you want to hang out the first thing that comes out of your mouth should not be "your eyes are green".

I am not in Utah anymore. So guys are more open about what they are thinking.

A couple things I've learned since I've been back out on the reservation...

1. I can now understand the slang. For example... I know where "the other end is", "the quil", "the dead zone", and the little phrases people use.
2. I am officially not hated at the coffee stand. When I got back from Utah people asked "where have you been?". Offroad has been around for a long time... So when the regulars miss you, it's a compliment. :)
3. Out here... you knock twice and then walk in. I still can't do that because I feel weird just walking into someone's house... but even if you don't know them... that's normal. hahaha
4. If you hang out with any guys... their ex girlfriends will punch you in the face. <--- I wish I would have known that one.
5. everything I wear they consider to be "grandma"
6. everyone hates everyone else but loves them at the same time. It's confusing.
7. someone is ALWAYS watching.
8. The Fryberg's make up 10% of the tribe. 400 of them. 4000 tribal members. Yet somehow everyone is related to everyone else. I have cousins that I didn't even know were my cousins.
9. If you want someone to meet you at the casino... you call it the "big house"
10. If you don't want people to get annoyed with you just always pretend you know what they are talking about. :)


My trip to Utah was great! I needed a little vacation and some time with my family. I got to see Tiff, Ash, Miranda, and Shaid! After almost 4 months without them I can definitely say I missed them. I went to Kelsi's wedding and got to see grandma and grandpa! (her grandma and grandpa but i've adopted them as well) I can't believe kels is married! Everyone is doing really good! I'm happy for them! It's good to know that the people you love are so happy in life. Makes you happy.

x's and o's

I am posting while driving... This is what happens when you are in a car for 13 hours straight. :)

At some point we all run into our ex's. That awkward run in that we all dread. I've been thinking about if it's possible to be friends with an ex. I think out of all the guys I've dated I am only friends with one and the rest I don't talk to anymore. 

I've been trying to get country music back into my life. I love country and I always have but it makes things worse for me right now. I'm sorry but I don't care if you run into your ex on an airplane after 10 years... they don't magically realize they still love you and drop their life to be with you. You are an exception. That does not happen. Thanks Tim Mcgraw for the upbeat song and all but that's unrealistic. 

^obviously integrating country music back into my life has been a task in itself.

So here's my dilemma lately with Mr. Brent. 

I've been debating blocking him on facebook because anytime I see that he "liked" something or comments on something I just wanna curl up into a ball. It's like in my head he died and seeing that he's still alive doesn't seem real. It's like someone came up to me and punched me in the stomach as hard as they could. For whatever reason I can't get myself to block him. In it's own way it makes me happy to know he's happy and that he's living his life. I guess I don't really know what's going on in his life based on what he comments... but you get what i'm saying. I want to be friends with him... Not because I really want to be friends but because honestly I miss him. I just want to be apart of his life but that's not healthy. Nothing about that is healthy. So here I am... in this rut...

and I just can't help but feel like he misses me too. I know he hates me. But I feel like he misses me. Maybe that's weird. However, I can't just text him and be like "hey, I was wondering... do you miss me?" that wouldn't go over well.

How do you date other people when you are in love with someone else. you don't.

I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine that doesn't know Brent (which not very many people do and if they do know him they don't know him very well) and he said, just text him. Tell him that you miss him. I have a hard time with that. He knows that I miss him. I'm sure all of his little friends tell him everything that I say on my blog or on facebook and that is 100% fine by me. I just don't want to make him mad. I mean maybe my blogs make him mad and hearing about me makes him mad... but texting him is different. I think what's best is for us to get over it but at the same time if I was going to start getting over it I would have by now. I can't get over something because everyone else wants me to. I will get over it when I am ready.

It's also not something you can put a time limit on. There's no little alarm on my phone three months from now that says "text Brent"... because let's face it. I'm probably not going to be ready three months from now. Even if I was it's just awkward. Things are not the SAME and they aren't going to be and I know that. I want to text him but there's nothing left to say. We have said it all. If there was something to say, something to fix it, something to make us happy then I would have done that by now. There isn't though. It's done and I know it's done and it's sad. It has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned. Don't get me wrong. I am living my life. I am happier and happier every day. I may not necessarily be my HAPPIEST but with each day I find something to smile about. One thing that I don't think many people understand is that we (all of us) are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can handle more than we know. We will get through it. It's a process and each one of us handle things in our own way but we will eventually get through it. We make ourselves or convince ourselves. We grow. We learn. We adapt. 

I constantly hear the quote "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle" 

It's crazy because we can handle ALOT and God knows that. He tests us and there are times when we want to give up but we don't. That is how we grow. We get pushed down to get back up. To appreciate things more and to become better people. 

I guess I've got a lifetime to figure it out. I'm 21. I'm sure in 6 months when i'm blogging about something else all of you can remind me how stuck I was on brent and how annoying my blog posts were.

best advice I have... don't read my blog if you don't want to know what's going on in my head.

happy thoughts

Today was an awesome day! :)

For starters I went out shopping with my mom for a little bit and had NO LUCK. Which I guess is a good thing because I didn't spend any money on clothes. I definitely don't NEED anymore... I just like to shop. :)

After that I went over to Kaitlyn's place and just hung out for a little while. My brother got off work at 6 so I went and picked him up to go to Morgan and Jared Browns wedding! :) They looked so happy. Morg was gorgeous as always.

It was one big reunion there. I probably haven't been around some of those people in a good 5 years. It was great to catch up and hear how everyone is doing! I seriously feel so old. Half the time I forget I'm 21. It's crazy. All my friends getting married and having babies. haha, life. goodness.

After that whole ordeal I went out with Kaitlyn and Fitz. Ran into a bunch of people while we were out. Basically it was just nice to get out.

----->Funny thing, I found out a lot more people read my silly little blog than I thought. I guess I should apologize. My brain is slightly crazy. It has a million things going on all the time and my posts are always random.<-----

Something happened tonight that made me really happy. I'm not going to say what or why because it doesn't really make sense but let's just say it's good to know that people love you.

It doesn't matter how they love you or why they love you or if they love you but half hate you. Love is stronger than anything. It's the hardest thing to get over and I cherish that. Honestly, the world would be a sad place without love and it's such a blessing. I think everyone perceives love in a different way and sometimes we do silly things out of love. Sometimes stupid things. haha


With that being said, I think it's wonderful because everyone is loved by someone. :)

That is something to smile about.

I know, random. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I just want to make sure I count my blessings and work towards having a happy future. I don't want to focus on things that don't matter or that won't matter. If it's not going to bother me in 2 weeks why should it bother me now?

P.S
COUNTDOWN TO UTAH. :)
3 days.
I cannot wait.

once.

Today it has officially been a month of Brent and I not talking.

I'm not over it anymore today than I was yesterday. 

In fact I miss him more today than I did yesterday.

It builds up and some days are worse than others but there isn't anything I can do about that.

It's weird to talk to someone everyday for a year and then just not anymore.

I keep telling myself it's for the best and that everything happens for a reason.

I love rascal flatts and today that song just reminded me of him.

He kinda ruined all my favorite songs, haha.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that I have never drank or done a drug in my life.

I am so glad I never have. 

I think they would have done nothing but bad things for me.

I can't imagine drinking and feeling as crappy as I have lately.

and then have to deal with a hangover the next day.

no thanks.

haha, I don't mean that offensive to anyone.

I'm just saying for me personally I'm glad I've done that.

Those are my thoughts for the day.
Have a good one.
<3

Greg Farris

I cannot sleep for the life of me tonight. My minds racing and since I can't sleep I'm going to blog.

Today was really weird for me. Country music was playing at work and every time I hear "crazy girl" I think of Brent and I'm in a funk for the rest of the day. Between that "stuck like glue" and "tomorrow"... country was a HORRIBLE idea. Anyways, when my day starts off like that it's really hard to get out of it. So I finished up at work and decided I needed to go out and do something otherwise I'd probably sit at home and watch a sad movie and just be lame. Which I'm trying not to be lame anymore. I did that for long enough.

So Chaz and I went to dinner and chatted. :) We went out to meet up with some other friends and while we were out I read this thing on facebook about my dad. There were actually quite a few posts about him. It just really got to me. (My dad passed away from ALS in 2000, he had it for over 2 years)

I think about him all the time. Especially now that I am so close to where I grew up and I have all these memories with him here. I can't believe it's been 11 years. However, I haven't looked at it in a sad way in a really long time. The way I see it is... I was blessed with AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING parents and I was so lucky and privileged to have 10 years with my dad.

I know everything happens for a reason. We are here to learn and grow and become better people. I am a better person because of my dad.

This is a PERFECT example of how the TINIEST things make a huge difference. Those people don't know me on a personal level and they weren't writing about my dad hoping i'd see it. But they sure changed my day without even knowing.

Thank you. I needed that.

the past 3 months. haha

I have not blogged... in almost 3 months.

So much has changed since then and it's going to be hard to update on everything...

For starters Brent and I aren't together. I haven't really been ready to talk about it but I think it's best if I just get it out there. As of today it's officially been 3 weeks without him. Here's a list of daily issues....
1. I miss him every single day.
2. I write out a text to him telling him I miss him and delete it because it makes me feel better.
3. I have never noticed how many candy blue subaru's I pass but it's pretty much every other car.
4. I cannot listen to the radio, period.
5. Every time the sun comes out I just wanna call him to hang out!!

I have decided that everyone gets over things in their own time. If it were an option to be with him then I would still be trying but I want him to be happy more than anything and that means that we needed to go our separate ways. My friends have put up with my sob story for the past three months and let me tell you they are the best. I know I was annoying. I was trying to figure everything out and not lose him but that kind of happened anyways. It's been really hard and I'm still figuring out how to work through it but I think this is something i'll have to get through on my own. On a positive note, I have been going out and keeping busy... I know there were a lot of people that didn't understand and I really wasn't talking about it but I think that sums everything up and we can just drop it from here on out.


Other news, with this whole start-your-entire-life-completely-over binge that i've been on... I went and bought a new car. :) hahaha. I love it. I have had a jeep since I could drive and I figured it was about time to try something new... something faster too. Anyways, I got a mazdaspeed3. :) goodbye jeep, hello better gas mileage!

I moved into my house! Oh my goodness it's so nice to have my bed after sleeping on the futon for 3 months! Plus... I've got plenty of room for all my clothes. :) :) :)

speaking of clothes... umm nordstrom sale this year, huge success. I decided that since Boom City was a nightmare that I could spoil myself... haha. I went a little overboard but it's NORDSTROMS. I couldn't help myself.

Oh that's right... Boom City... in a nut shell it was 17 days of torture and my sister and I barely made it out alive. I will not expand on that because it is a waste of typing.

My best friend had her baby a week ago today!! AHHH. I am soo excited!! I talked to her today and am so excited to meet little Jax! I hear he was a little stubborn being born but it was all worth it. I can't believe it. She just had her one year anniversary too. Time seriously flies by.

My little baby Jessa turned 1. I feel like I was in the hospital like last week watching her come into the world. Unfortunately that was a year ago and the little princess is walking. She's stinkin' cute though.

Lastly, I am working like crazy between the two jobs. It's definitely keeping me sidetracked. I've been playing volleyball again which has been awesome. I don't know why I stopped... and I've been working out like no tomorrow. I've been missing ASU!! I left for a reason but you cannot beat 80 degree weather all the time. haha

side note: I'm planning a trip to hawaii, please feel free to come. :)

So things may not be perfect but I have some great things going on and time heals everything.

:)

that blog was a little ridiculous. haha