changes

love my jessa. :)

Probably 90% on the time I blog on here I don't post it to facebook but tonight I feel like sharing. :)

In my life it seems like all the weeks are blending together. I want a change. I don't know why I am like that. I'm just ready to get out of here and move on with my life. Maybe that's running away... hahaha, either way. Now I just want to figure out where to go and what to do. I've had some options in the past couple of months but none of them feel right. Plus everything with work has been crazy, so I don't feel like picking up and leaving right now is fair to everyone I work with.

I have realized recently how much I have changed in the past couple of years. For the most part it's been in the last 6 months... but I look back on pictures or moments in my life and they seem so far away now. I can hardly remember that day or what we did... and then there are moments where I remember the entire day and everything that happened. It's strange the things we remember. (or the things we don't)

I've also realized that everyone perceives things differently. I have learned so much about myself, people, work, and life in general but I wonder if someone had gone through everything that I have if they would have walked away learning the same things I have... If everyone thought the same way as me... then I would get along with everyone because we would all constantly agree... That's not the case. But that's how we learn. Sometimes it's through other people that we grow the most.

I have had the song "Love The Way You Lie" Stuck in my head for the past couple of days. It describes kind of how I feel. It's a love/hate thing. I am upset somedays, but I am happy too! I have had some horrible things happen but I have also had some amazing things happen. They even themselves out. I would not be who I am or learn the things I did if I would have never gone through the things I have. It's been quite the ride. I miss my life 5 months ago but at the same time I don't. I can't wish to be somewhere I'm not. We are meant to live our lives forward, not backwards.

I talked with someone tonight that is going through something similiar to what I went through! For the first time in months it felt good to tell someone that everything was going to be okay. One thing that he said was "that's my problem, i just sit and think and drive myself nuts. it really sucks, luke every single day I just think about how all of this could have so easily been avoided had it not been for my selfishness" and I just wish I could have hugged him. We talked about regrets and second chances... and sometimes there are no second chances. No matter what we would give to have them. We only get one chance and we mess up! We are human! I don't think we are meant to do everything right. Jesus died for our sins. Knowing that we'd mess up. That's not an open door to purposely make mistakes but he understands and gets that we make mistakes. We just have to learn. I have hurt some great people and some great people have hurt me. I learned today in a lesson that the best thing to do about that is... to forgive. It's no longer my burden to bear. God can decide what happens.

hmmm, thats all for now. ;)